I will be the first to say that I’ve had my share of parenting lows. Just the other day I was so tired I almost let my newly minted toddler fall down a flight of stairs. Luckily my eldest was there to stop him. Takes a village, right?
But this week my friends, I had a win that will carry me until the day I die. This week I finally got my boys to stop weeing on the floor.
I have three boys. So I know a thing or two about walking into my bathroom an hour after scrubbing it down and smelling that unmistakeable stench of a pee puddle drying in the corner.
Maybe you also have boys, or a husband with bad aim. Or maybe you’ve stood downwind of the men’s toilets at the soccer pitch on a busy Saturday afternoon. Either way, you know the smell I’m talking about.
This long-suffering corner of our bathroom is now fresh as a daisy. Photo: supplied
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Pee on the floor, on the seat, ON THE WALL
It’s one of life’s little injustices that the one person who couldn’t physically pee on the floor would be the one who’s the most offended by the smell.
In the olden days, (by that I mean two weeks ago) I kept a packet of wipes in the bathroom. Every time I smelled that smell, I was on it, wiping the floor, the rim of the bowl, the outside of the toilet, THE WALL. Sometimes I’d take a container of water and just dump it all over the corner where our toilet is in the hope of washing all the wee splashes away.
One day I was fed up. Why should I be cleaning up pee when I’m not the one peeing on the floor?
I called my eight-year-old to the bathroom and handed him a wipe. I stood over him, carefully scrutinising his floor wiping technique and barking criticisms. “You missed a spot!” “Wipe all around the edge of the toilet. ALL AROUND THE EDGE!” “Don’t forget the wall!”
In between commands, I ranted about how ridiculous it was about how he was eight years old and couldn’t aim into the toilet. I ranted about how unfair it was that I should have to clean pee that isn’t mine.
And he’d argue back, yelling about how gross it was and blamed the pee on his brother.
The next time I smelled wee in the bathroom (and maybe it was only 20 minutes later), I’d call my five-year-old in, hand him the wipes and tell him to get down and clean.
Funnily enough, he was a lot more thorough than his brother, but it didn’t stop me ranting.
Wild boys be wild. Photo: supplied
Read about the couple having baby boys three weeks apart and the mum who let her son pee in a chip packet on a moving bus.
The foolproof anti-floor-wee hack
One day, while my eldest was wailing about how disgusting cleaning pee is, I suggested he sit down when he peed. Then he’d never have to clean the pee again.
My five-year-old must have heard (he’s always eavesdropping) because the next time I saw him trot off to the bathroom, he sat down on the toilet to pee. Every time after that, he sat down.
It took his brother a few more floor scrubs to catch on. Because Mr 5 was already sitting, Mr 8 was left cleaning all the wees. Because as all ladies know, a sitting person doesn’t wee on the ground.
Then the other day I spotted him sitting down on the toilet, too.
It was a bloody miracle.
Go forth into the world my children, and never pee on a floor again. Photo: supplied
I will probably never be such a genius of a mum ever again, but if this is the one battle I win, it’s a very excellent battle.
As a treat for my cleverness, I bought a really expensive scented candle in a pretty bowl to sit on the edge of my sink. And now my bathroom smells like “quince persimmon” instead of like a urinal.
Mums of boys, you don’t’ have to say anything. With this knowledge, we all win. Also, you’re welcome.
*Note: my dad actually suggested the sitting down trick to me months ago, but I didn’t listen because that’s how I roll.